“The Party Pirate” — FWG Flash Fiction for 12/14/2024

What’s worse than Porch Pirates?

Our picture prompts are on hiatus until the new year, so here is this week’s text prompt:

Write about a mysterious guest who arrives at a party — but no one knows who they are.

THE PARTY PIRATE

I was closest to the door and Angie was across the room when the bell rang, so I opened it.

“Hi, Joe, how’s it going?” the newcomer asked as he stepped in, shed his coat, and handed it to me like I was a coat check girl.

“Ah, the name’s Jim…” but he was already halfway across the room.

Shrugging, I hung up his coat. It felt like cashmere and must have weighed ten pounds.

“Who’s your buddy?” my wife, Anna, asked as she handed me my second Blanton’s.

“No idea. He called me Joe.”

She got that look in her eye. “Oh, are you Joe tonight? That sounds like fun.” She sipped from her third Cosmo.

Sliding my hand around her waist, I whispered, “I’ll be whoever you want me to be.”

Giggling, she did that shimmy that drives me nuts and swayed away to join a clutch of other ladies who were also well on their way to loopiness.

“Who’s the guy?” Joe asked. He nodded to the newcomer, who was firmly planted at the buffet table.

“Why does everybody…I don’t know. He thought I’m you—or somebody else named Joe.”

We both watched as he started stuffing his face by hand with everything on the table.

Angie made a beeline for me. “Thanks for inviting a pig to my party.”

“I didn’t—”

Before I could finish, the new guy turned around, let out a wall-rattling belch and pulled a revolver from his pocket.

“Hey, thanks for the grub,” he said around another burp. “I knew this one would be upscale.” He waved his gun, making us duck, while he pulled a pillowcase from his pocket.

“Fill it up. Jewelry, cellphones, wallets, all of it.”

As we shed our valuables, I heard Joe mutter, “Worst party EV-ER.”

THE END